Hey Auron. College can be an amazing time but it can also be rather dark at times. My Sophomore year was horrible in many ways, alone no friends, just out of a 2 1/2 year long relationship, failing classes. But you come out of it, we all do. Get out of town this summer. Get a job in another city, national park, summer camp up in the woods, whatever. Just get out of the place you have been in of late and go see the world for a bit. Meet new people, learn who you are now, rebuild yourself. Then go back in and find a new place at university, find a new side to the place you were not in and find your new self.

Life is never easy and we can get lost in the dark. There is light everywhere though, we just have to turn our head and face it.

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I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. - William Blake

Thanks a lot Well unfortunately I don't think I'll be able to really get away this summer because of stuff that still needs to be taken care of here but I'll try and practice your advice to the best of my ability. It does sound like that would be helpful to me. Thanks

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Auron is mine.

Wow, dear friend...

It is hard being young. It is hard being human. But also wonderful, if we can let go, not have such heavy expectations of ourselves and others.

You must let go, be yourself, trust the God/Universe (as you view it/him/her), let others be themselves and be on their own journeys, and see the good in others you admire and in things you love. The things that shock or disappoint? The things you do not resonate with? Let that go, and focus on what you do resonate with in others and in the world. Remember that you and the world are always changing.

It is not all or nothing. It is not, "So many things disappoint... I am bereft." It is "Look at all the things that are still wonderful, despite some disappointments."

Onward and upward. So many things to experience, try out, experiment with. Find your bliss. Follow your bliss. Find what you love, what you love to do, how you want to live... and college is the time to do it.

Things, people, experiences will always be changing, will delight, and disappoint, all of your life. The best advice I can give, from an old dude is to not be so attached, not react so much, let go, let others be on their journies and love them even when they disappoint, see the best in all, see the best in your world (and let the rest go and don't judge or be disappointed). See all, even when it/they disappoint as good and holy. God in all things, even the things we recoil at. All one big God.

I have a friend who says, "God wanted to see what it would be like to be __________ (fill in the blank). I think that is a very good way to think of life. Or think of God as a great big mirror, that reflects what is inside of us back to us- a reflective force. I think this helps. It is a much more accurate (and less upsetting view, in my opinion) than God is a good, judging being, and we must all live up to "his" expectations. That view sets us up for all sorts of disappointments as we expect us, our world, our experience and others to pass the test of "God's judgement."

We, others, the world, do not need to be perfect. We are perfect, underneath, under all the dross, all the disappointment... Love is the only real thing... everything else, all our flailings about, our "mistakes," disappointments and disappointing of others is illusion. We are all perfect love underneath.

So, dear one, relax, let go, rest, see the good in all, smile, enjoy your music again, find yourself, let others and the world be on their journies... and don't judge yourself, others, the world so harshly...

You must be secure in yourself... or failing that, trust that you are on your way to knowing and finding yourself. College is a wonderful time to do that, but everyday, even on into old age, is a wonderful time to do that. You will be finding yourself, and so will others, every day here on earth.

O, and you sound depressed to me. If you are, then those little things that jump from nerve to nerve are not in enough abundance, and everything will seem horrible no matter what you do, so... rest, work, make yourself jump back into life. See the doctor/take medicine and or herbal supplements if necessary... but mainly, depression may hang on till you change your life/outlook etc.

I found that depression attached itself to me till I released negative outlooks and attachments, and made my life "fit me."

There you go, dear friend. That is my best advice for you, speaking as an old dude who has been through the mill a bit in life.

Smile and be happy.

All shall be well.

(Really it will)

-Merton

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"Let all aspects of ourselves be integrated within us!" -Merton Parrish

Your comment made me cry but in a good way That's pretty amazing....

Thanks.... In the Dhammapada there's a verse that says "Your work is to discover your work, and then with all your heart, to give yourself to it". I've always tried to follow that. And everything you've said makes a lot of sense to me. In fact I still do love the people who've disappointed me; I'm not angry at them, I think I'm just too attached to the past.... I'm always wishing it was December again.... I think maybe my biggest problem is just attachment to the past.... I don't know.... And yeah I am really depressed...really confused and depressed.... I've been taking St. John's Wart but I think I need a little more help than that...I've sought out a psychologist so maybe that'll help.... I've always done my own thing in life and refused to let people dictate my life for me, so I always thought that would make me happy but I guess I screwed up somewhere back there.... I'm just amazed at how many things went wrong....

Although I guess your whole point is that nothing went "wrong"; it was meant to be that way. That's what I believe too, I guess I'm just having trouble accepting it. Attachment to the good times past, trouble accepting the bad things that've happened.... It's making me all stuck and depressed....

Thanks so much...I really appreciate it and you seem to know what you're talking about.... Thanks

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Auron is mine.

Sounds like you went through the worst on my past two years in one. Ouch. The first step sounds like getting enough sleep (I'm finally getting enough again and it's amazing). A combination of melatonin, pain killers, and benadryl got me through insomnia pretty well. It sucks, but it works.

Try to get a summer job or hobby that you'd really enjoy. Preferably something that involves meeting new people. It can help a lot. Try to avoid everything that makes you miserable and replace it with something that doesn't. New music that doesn't remind you of anything should help too. Just keep it together and things will improve. After going through a complete loss of identity, I ended up turning into the maniac I always should have been and had one of the greatest times of my life. Then I went back to school....

And if you ever want to come to Ann Arbor and hang out or something, let me know. I should have plenty of free time this summer.

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The footsteps fading into the night...

Hi there!

I am glad you had some healing tears... they always help so much.

I like the quote from the Dhammapada. That is a good one!

St Johns Wort helps alot. I take it, along with alot of other supplements. Maybe you need an anti-dpressant, but that is a big decision, and it can take several tries and several different adjustments of medication levels to get it right. I found though, that once my life fit me, and I adjusted my attitude, expectations etc, that that depression went away. But it took me a long time (about a decade) to figure me out, and then another decade with all sorts of experiences to figure out how to make my life fit me. And, of course, my life and I are still changing, almost daily!

Attachment is a big bad wolf, thats for sure.

I don't know if the past is "meant to be that way" or not. Sometimes it feels so, and feels as though there is alot of fate involved. I do think there are things we agreed to do/be before we came here to earth... but there is still free will always. I think many times "sh_t happens" as the vulgar saying goes... lol. I think mostly, we have control over our perception of what happens around us. And, we can manifest whatever we need in our lives. If anything is not as we wish/need/ desire... of anything is not helping us to be the most loving person, have the best, most balanced, wonderful, creative life, we need only sit our patooties down on the ground everyday, and with all our hearts, say aloud, sing aloud, draw a picture of, write out in word (or even all of the above) what it is we are seeking.

"I am ____________ " (fill in the blank)
"I receive________ " (fill in the blank)

then we need only focus on that little part of us that trusts and believes that what we seek is coming, and that little part will grow.

I trust radically.

I ask for all I need, always, even if it is just to be able to go potty easily, which is no small thing when one is over forty... lol.

Trust trust trust. Ask ask ask. Every day.

All shall be well.

Sending you good thoughts and prayers, right now.

Merton

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"Let all aspects of ourselves be integrated within us!" -Merton Parrish

Everyone has great advice I wish pet stores in my area were hiring though...cuz I'd really enjoy being around animals for a job....

Everyone is saying it will get better so that's encouraging....

And that's awesome I'd love to I love Ann Arbor but I never go there enough...thanks lol....

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Auron is mine.

Aw thank you!

It's kinda good to know I'm not some crazy freak and everyone goes through hard times...well, it isn't "good" that people have hard times but you know what I mean. It's good to know I'm not insane. Ha I know that sounds stupid but sometimes I think I forget that when I'm all wrapped up in my own depression....

Thanks so much for your kind words

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Auron is mine.

Something just clicked into place and I've been tough as nails ever since. It just takes time.

I gotta warn ya', I tend to be a bad influence. But I am fun.

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The footsteps fading into the night...